Dateline: Verona, Wisconsin; April 12, 2010

 

EPIC systems today announced the signing of their largest contact to date: the entire Universe, which has agreed to implement EpicCare throughout the galaxy. Details:

 

• Specific terms of the deal were not announced, but it is estimated that it will cost even more than the $5 billion invested by Kaiser before a gag order was placed on any further financial disclosures there.

 

• The rulers of the Galaxy are being required to attend special 2-day classes at Epic HQ in Verona, where they may get to meet Judy Faulkner in person, if her busy schedule permits.

 

• The usual wedding ceremony at Epic HQ is being deferred until the marital status and anatomical makeup of the various extraterrestrial species can be accurately determined.

 

• Each planet of each star in every solar system is being required to dedicate two full-time employees to the implementation project, which is being forecast to take several Millennium…

 

• KLAS has started a special inter-galactic survey to determine a cosmic baseline for how miserable the various users of current systems are, so they can document how utterly enthralled they will be with Epic once it is live.

 

• Research is being conducted into the impact on ARRA stimulus funding, which currently has no stipulations restricting funding to human beings only, provided extraterrestrials “meaningfully use” their new system.

 

• Epic has no plans to open regional offices on any of the newly-signed remote galaxies, but rather will charge these new clients for the light-years it takes implementation personnel to commute. 

 

• To allow for the lengthy travel time, Epic is gathering special fertilized eggs that will be incubated during interstellar travel, so they arrive at the various planets as young and inexperienced as their Epic counterparts do on earth.

 

• In a related story, Epic cancelled several want ads it had been running for sales reps; when asked the reason for the cancellation, Epic spokespersons replied: “There is no longer any need.”

 

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